Thursday, June 27, 2013

Something to Talk About - 3rd Trimester Woes

     I have a healthy baby, what that really translates to is... I have a kickboxing ninja baby, who I feel one day might punch its way out of me like the Incredible Hulk. In all my years of being a woman, I have never heard a pregnant woman utter these words before. Its not like I got pregnant super young and didn't have a chance to hear this before, I mean, I am 30 years old for crying out loud! So let me be the one to educate those out there reading this that it hurts to be pregnant.
     When I asked my doctor if it were possible for my baby to kick its way out of me, she said (once she stopped laughing) that this has never happened before in her career, and then went on to say its actually a good thing because it means the baby is healthy. Okay yes, I have a healthy baby, and I am grateful for that. I really am! But how come if this is so normal, I've never heard about it before? I mean, the first day my baby girl kicked what felt like 2 - 3 inches out from my stomach, I kept imagining myself lying unconscious in a parking lot somewhere, with a baby arm or leg sticking out of my belly like an alien. Someday's I come home from work and just have to lay down and do nothing else for the rest of the day. And when people ask me how I'm doing I just want to laugh and say "do you really want to know, or are you just being polite?"
     When my doctor asks me at my appointments if I've been exercising regularly I want to protest and ask: "And how exactly would that be possible? Would YOU like to hit the trails while someone repeatedly kicks you in the gut AND ribs, all while hanging onto you?" I don't even touch on the constant leg cramps and how easily I get winded from walking from my car into work(especially on a hot day). Not to mention the extra 35 lbs I have gained, makes it hard to not only get in and out of cars, but in and out of bed as well.. or putting on shoes.. pants... socks... etc.
     At church I teach the 11 and 12 year old girls, who like to ask me questions about my pregnancy. One of these girls asked if it tickled when the baby kicked me, because that's what her aunt told her... my response was: "No, I wouldn't describe it as tickling." But I really wanted to add "and your aunt should be shot for telling you such a bold face lie."
     I don't know if its the hormones or what but sometimes I just want to punch people in the face. Like, when they ask how my pregnancy is going, I want to respond "Bite me! Non-pregnant one!" And when they try to offer advice like "You should really start parenting your baby now and teach her not to kick you so much." I want to slap them in the face and say "She's a fetus, she doesn't understand!" And when they say "oh well, just rub her calmly and she'll stop kicking you so much." My response is usually: "Yea, I do that all the time and it just makes her kick harder and more frequently." (Tickling seems to work, though :)
     I get that its a great miracle to be pregnant and I am so excited to finally get this writhing ninja out of me, so I can say "there, now kick all you want, baby girl!" For all those who have already been through the 3rd trimester woes, I congratulate you on surviving and ask that you might want to spread the word that it sucks being pregnant sometimes. Who knows... if all girls knew about this... there might be a lot less teen pregnancy :)


  1. The instant gratification of sex outweighs the regency sitch... simply having a child at 16 should be enough to deter children... from sexing... ok i'm going to stop writing the word sex on your blog. anyway. I am glad to be 26 years pregnancy free. But maybe before i decide to get pregnant I'll give you a call and you can talk me out of it. Maybe I'll buy a baby from those sex crazy teenagers.... sorry... more sex... ok i'm done now.

  2. that is supposed to say...pregnancy sitch... not regency. i got autocorrected by google chrome.

  3. Yes, thank you for writing sex all over my blog. Haha. One thing I will never understand is casual sex. I think its a bad idea on top of being stupid. If you're not in love with the person, there's no point in sharing something that intimate with them.